The Choice
John Molino
In the span of a week, we have witnessed the two most common methods of selecting a political nominee. Iowa’s caucuses and New Hampshire’s primary have each reached the level of legend in American politics.
There are other selection methods, of course. In Louisiana, I’m told a voodoo priestess dissects a frog and interprets the will of the electorate based on the contents of the animal’s stomach. New Jersey is somewhat less sophisticated, making use of the traditional “I’ll Break Your Legs if You Don’t Vote for Me” methodology.
Newt Gingrich would prefer to be nominated by acclamation, which is a not uncommon view among people with a God Complex. Based on the choices before us, many state Republican parties are considering opting for the “Dartboard in a Dark Room” technique.
In New Hampshire, it is customary for the residents of Dixville Notch to vote before anyone else in the state. At midnight last Tuesday, the tiny hamlet’s nine registered voters dutifully showed up to cast their ballots.
The result? Consistent with this year’s political environment, the results were ho-hum. Two votes for Romney, two for Huntsman, and one each for Gingrich and Paul. The three registered Democrats in the town voted for President Obama. So, I guess it would be accurate to say that Mr. Obama actually got more votes than any Republican candidate. Obama carried Dixville Notch…in the Republican primary!
Statewide, Mitt Romney scored a convincing victory: The first, non-incumbent Republican to win both the Iowa caucuses and the New Hampshire primary. South Carolina and Florida follow and this thing is wrapped up before Super Tuesday on March 6th. And it appears that not one Republican – whose name is not Romney – is happy about it.
This year’s campaign slogan may be the Three Rs: Republicans Reluctantly for Romney. Issues aside, if the loyal Republicans don’t like Mr. Romney, how can they possibly hope to convince one more than half of the other 20 percent?
The other twenty percent?
The overly simplistic rule of thumb in modern presidential politics is that roughly 40 percent of the country will reliably vote Republican, while another 40 percent will go Democratic. That leaves 20 percent who might vote either way. One more than half of which determines who wins the election.
While this example does not include the necessary nuance of the Electoral College (which heavily favors an Obama reelection by the way, but I will save that for another piece), it is very sobering to consider the decision we will be asked to make in November.
When I think about the choice we will face as we stare at the ballot in November, I can’t help but recall a classic Woody Allen observation:
“More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness; the other, to total extinction. Let’s pray we have the wisdom to choose wisely.”
© John Molino, January 2012
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Odds and Ends
John Molino
I’m a noticer. I write about the things I notice because it helps keep my head from exploding. In addition to my personal catharsis, I’m proud to report that 100 percent of my readership enjoys the pieces I post on line. It’s true: both of you have had something nice to say at least once this past year.
The late comedian, George Carlin, never threw away an idea. Every scrap of paper on which he wrote a funny thought or the beginnings of a joke were kept in shoeboxes and notebooks. Many made their way into his comedy routines; others remained untouched or were published in one of his books, the first appropriately titled, Brain Droppings. I have taken that lesson from Carlin.
As the year draws to a close, I thumbed through one of my file folders in search of a few nuggets – things I have noticed, but that have not yet managed to support a column of their own. Some were in the newspaper, others on TV, still others were “noticed” as I walked around. All real; nothing made up. Walk with me…
Earlier this year, there was a report that the Pentagon had placed an order for ballistic underwear which promised to better protect the privates. I assume the undies are intended to be effective throughout the ranks from protecting the private’s privates to protecting the general’s privates – assuming the generals still have privates worth protecting.
In a distantly related story, the upper echelons of the Marine Corps issued an order instructing the Marines in Afghanistan to avoid “audible flatulence” because it is objectionable to the Afghans. Really? At the risk of sounding like the ugly American, these good folks live in caves and socialize with goats. How badly do Marines fart? Maybe some ballistic underwear would help.
Are you a noticer, as well? Do you know who Thaddeus McCotter is? Mr. McCotter is a 45-year old, guitar-playing congressman from Michigan who declared his candidacy for President of the United States during 2011. Relax, that wasn’t fair. No one else noticed either.Â
Am I the only one who noticed that the guy who plays the really smart mailman in the USPS commercials is the same person who plays the really dumb FIOS installer in the Xfinity ads? What does that say about any of those organizations?
How about the CarMax commercial in which the car pulls up to the gas pump and the driver is overwhelmed by the level of great service by the staff? Did you notice that the car’s gas cap is actually facing the camera and not the gas pumps?
A 143-pound catfish was caught in a reservoir on the Virginia/North Carolina border. Nice story until you read that the fish is native only to the Mississippi River. Do you think it walked to Virginia? Is the animal revolution underway?
This year, AT&T announced that it provides you the ability to record four television shows at the same time. If only there were four television shows worth recording at any time.
Middle Child Syndrome has been used to explain the behavior of many young boys and girls who have older and younger siblings. Could it be that Osama bin Laden’s murderous behavior may be linked to what psychologists might call “Extreme Somewhere-in-the-Middle Child Syndrome”? Did you know that bin Laden was the 17th of 54 children sired by his billionaire father, Mohammed bin Awad bin Laden? The elder bin Laden accomplished this feat with 22 different women, before his life was cut short by a fatal plane crash. Had he lived a longer life, there may have been more children and a career in the NBA.
We have all heard the heart-warming stories about the Good Samaritans who paid off the lay-away accounts of the less fortunate so that many families could have a brighter Christmas. Stay tuned.  By next Christmas, scam artists will have figured out how to get over on the Good Sams and sell the stuff on EBay.
Finally, for the fifth consecutive year, someone dropped a South African gold coin in a Salvation Army kettle outside a Sam’s Club in Tennessee. The coin is worth $1,740 and the donor chooses to remain anonymous. Not bad.
Happy New Year. Peace.
© John Molino, December 2011
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Dim Bulbs Do Not Produce Bright Light
John Molino
NBC reports that 75 percent of the American public rate Congress either below average or as one of the worst Congresses in US history. A reasonable person has to wonder what the heck the other 25 percent are thinking!
The survey also said that two percent think the Congress has performed above average and one percent actually consider this Congress as “one of the best” ever.
Look, I’m not so naïve to think that people do not use recreational drugs, but this three percent segment of the population is almost certainly messing with some very dangerous stuff.
This year more than ever, I am happy there is no tradition of staging a living Nativity Scene on the grounds of the US Capitol. The old joke is to comment on how difficult it would be to find a virgin in this town, but I’m afraid this Congress would be hard-pressed to identify three wise men to be part of the sacred scene. Plenty of jackasses – to be sure; wise men – not so much.
Anyone familiar with the workings of the US Senate knows that there is no such thing as an insurmountable problem if enough senators agree or if the leadership is able to perform the magic of something called “unanimous consent” – UC in the jargon.
Both houses of our esteemed Congress, but the Senate in particular, have throughout history exercised its authority to defy reality and simply “declare things to be so”. To facilitate legislation, it has suspended or accelerated time to fit the occasion. It has changed the time of day and actually declared it to be another day, if necessary.
It is not unusual for things to be inserted into the congressional record as though they had occurred in the past or to permit a senator’s thoughts to be included as though he or she had been present during a debate long ago ended.
One of the first lessons a student of our Congress learns is that the House, which appears to be a constant gaggle of confusion and disorganization, is actually controlled by specific and fairly strict rules. (Granted, they write their own rules, but that process is “not uncomplex”, as the diplomats might say.)
The Senate, on the other hand, gives the appearance of organization and a sophisticated, calm demeanor. Nothing could be further from the truth. It is the absence of rules in the Senate that allows for very odd things to occur at times. Often, the rules of time and space will not apply.
If you have ever watched or listened to the “activity” on the floor of the Senate, you should first seek professional help and find an activity that might give you some exposure to normal, healthy, social interaction. If that doesn’t work, welcome back to C-Span and the US Senate!Â
You will first be lulled into a state of incomprehension by the droning of the voice of some senator who is so far beyond middle age that he may have actually lived in the Middle Ages. If your stupor is interrupted by the words, “Without objection, so ordered,” sorry, but you missed it!
Whatever it was, it happened already. Perhaps it made sense or perhaps millions of dollars were approved for the study of bovine flatulence. (I would have made up something here, but I decided to cite something that has actually been funded.)
The only way to change this new reality is for another senator to request unanimous consent to undo what was done (which has happened before, as well). If it is “so ordered” without objection, BINGO! Reality has been changed yet again.
As we approach the elections of 2012, who could be surprised if some senator sought recognition from the floor to propose a series of unanimous consent requests to eliminate the national debt, balance the budget, favorably end the Occupy demonstrations, satisfy the Tea Party, and identify three senators to be the fabled wise men.
Wait! I think we can anticipate an objection from the floor to that one.
Anybody else got a bright idea?
© John Molino, December 2011
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